friday 20th of february 2026 - 23:57

CW:idk intake:like 2000 steps:5k shclean?:yes

oh lord... today i woke up nice and comfortable and went got dressed today. getting dressed was hard... i hated and i mean HATED the way i looked, just the way everything fit on me, i changed outfits like 4 times and when i left my entire room was covered in clothes. i went to the cinema with my friends, i had to travel like 45 mins-1 hour. we went to the coffeeshop and we bought some eddies and then went to the cinnema. melanie bought me NACHO'S dorito's and salsa... and a diet coke. i ate like half of the nacho's

we were watching iron lung... i didnt know what it was... i. was. really. scared. in the beginning i was like "wait whats going on ?" and tryung to even understand what was going on in the movie, i didnt know where the actor was. speaking of that, i looked at the actor and was like "well... that REALLY looks like markiplier..." and moved on, only for the little credits at the top to say featuring markiplier. i was shook lOL. the movie takes place in a submarine of sorts ? it was apparantly based off a game which i never played. the character markiplier plays, named simon looked super good... actually while i was looking at the list of actors i also saw jacksepticeye as "jack" which cracked me up for a sec. anyway back to what i was explaining, the movie :

simon is deployed in like, a sort of planet that has an ocean of blood... and its a claustrophobic submarine with a panel with 2 switches which makes it move forward or to the side, but it wasnt possible to move up or down, as somebody above the blood ocean was controlling that. it takes place in a post apocalipic world. you find out quickly that simon is a convict, he was a murderer or set up as a murderer by his peers and now hes paying the price by going in the submarine, he has to get data, like a skeleton sample.. of something, it was like a huge skeleton. simon is able to take pictures using radiaton because theres... i guess its not possible to see out any kind of window.. cause the ocean is made of blood.

the person from the government or whoever was in charge of this operation kept pushing simon to do more, holding his status as a prisoner of a severe crime to do more.. and more.. and more. she didnt want him to survive. first he was to retrieve a skeleton sample, then he couldnt get it, got pulled to surface, crashed out and smashed a bunch of buttons including radiating the staff, got sent back down, was told he has to get something really important not just a puny sample, alot of the time he was disconnected from the surface, it was quite scary in those moments especially when it was obvious there was something alive in the blood ocean... i kind of forgot what happened in the middle because the eddie started kicking in and i was getting very nervous.. i alrready feel alot and i felt so fucking much starting from here so i started getting extra scared because i was getting sucked into the screen, it reminded me of just HOW scared i used to get as a kid.

he got attacked and it caused him to disconnect and now the submarine was kinda falling apart. he kept trying to find connection again while the oxygen was running out, leaks and condensation were getting worse, the light wasnt working and it was just getting scarier. he found a connection but it was... a different submarine ? or a halucination ? i dont fully know and i think neither did the character because there was alot of scenes where he was sweating, passing out, days passing and him somehow surviving, dissociation shown really well (as someone that experiences it alot), auditory halucinations and full on conversations with disembodied voices and it was very scary.

a voice that was said to be from a different submarine he found in there (i think, i was rwally scared at this point and looking away, checking my phone, i dont know, talking myself out of being scared in my head) he went to the coordinates that the voice told him to go to, and when he did he saw what the voice told him was "the answer to the universe" and it was like a big bloody black hole ? it was shown to be like, otherworldly. then it cuts to him just standing and he was struggling with the oxygen, power, hull integrity and just halucinations, even i couldnt tell what was real and what was fake. then at some point he makes a connection and the person on the surface was refusing to let him go up, hes meant to die indirectly in the mission, she indirectly admits it. he tells the lady like "dude i have pictures of (this submarine i found under in here that i can tell has significant importance, come get me.)"

the person on the surface sent him to go download the data off that sub using the admin command or some shit like that, he went down there and was confronted to something that was alive and i think he rammed into it, and it.. consumed him ? it was human blood and the auditory voice told him it was "them" and stuff like that, he eventually got kind of swallowed and died and stuff which is just crazy to me. in the final 20 mins i could only focus on HOW BAD i needed to pee. after we were finished with the movie i went to the bathroom where ppl said i had cool piercings and makeup and i took off my insane wig and i still felt too high and infact now that im writing this its still kinda lingering. maybe i wouldve tripped alot better if i wasnt watching THAT. ok i needed that out of my system i did have fun and im honestly grateful to mel for getting me outside in the world to do stuff and being so generous to pay for me to experience things sometimes like eating with the group or paying my ticket so i wont be excluded. shes my baby fr if she gets a boyfriend im gonna be so freaking pissed because theyre MY sugardaddy. eyuuuurgh. after i went home and i went to bed and took off my makeup i finally started to feel a little better, its scary sometimes...

thursaday 19th of february 2026 - 22:07

CW:idk intake:918 steps:6k i think shclean?:yes

today went suspiciously well... i wrote some buuuuullllshyt in the train so im gonna drop said bullshyt down below...

so i spent the entire month of february just binge eating a lot of food and it honestly makes me feel rlly bad about myself, last week i got food poisoning and i literally threw up because of the ridiculousness of the situation. i feel like ill never heal from my binge eating disorder and its kinda stressful. i think i developed a lactose intolerance because im starting to show the signs of it, my mom developed it last year i think so im not shocked starting to develop it too, maybe it can help me get over it because thats the thing. i binge on a lot of dairy products all the time, milk jugs, milk chocolate, chocolate wafers dipped in milk, yogurts cereals, that kind of stuff. now i have to stop eating my binge triggers.

i told hyuna about it this morning and i was like “i think i am developing it” because she also developed it at a late age and she confirmed my symptoms kinda went along with her symptoms too, which fricking sucks. HOW CAN I BE LACTOSE INTOLERANT IF I MADE FUN OF HER FOR IT FOR SO LONG. ts is so unfair. i saw her today and i was so glad to see her ! originally we were gonna go to the gym with a mutual friend but he cancelled so we just decided to hang out and i am wearing the cutest prettiest little outfit ever today check it out ! my hair is so inhumanly long. i got so many compliments and looks for my hair i really loved it... i loved her wig which i said rlly loudly because imo she kind of looked like a really soft gyaru but also with a really cool jfashion cool girl outfit !! she was so stinking cute but she left me for her boyyyyyfreiiieennnddd ngghhhheeegghhghsgshdggshs

and my outfit was rwally cute ! the clothes are really basic if youre into jfashion but if you are liek a normie u will probably think its rlly fancy which is ultimately what i want u to think... heh... hehehehe !!! the shoes i got from hyuna for my bdaaayy and i liek my kuromi bag it qas cute and softttt which i love !!!

monday 16th of february 2026 - 21:23

CW:idk intake:so many steps:none shclean?:yes

okay chat i swear im gonna lock back in after tpday, ive even been lacking in finch app ? like damn boy ok. soooo last week on thursday i went to mel's house to spend valentines at their house because i asked them to be my friendship valentine LOL. i made like a friendship valentines day card for them at internship and my coach printed it for me on nice paper. it was very cute. they made me a steak dinner and we made a cookie + brownie combo. they wanted to make it an edible but i said no because it was gonna make their whole house smell LMFAO. we had a good time

i watched them play a videogame till 3 am which, now that i think about it, happens really often during sleepovers ? i do the samw crap at hyuna's house. the food was really good they even bought me ice cream... by the next day i slept till like 2 pm and they made me bacon and eggs and toast for breakfast like hello getting spoiled for no reason.. heh.

during the nighttime they dragged me to this non binary dating event, it was uh, fine, we were the only 2 queer people there that were non binary or like in the nonbinary bubble, everyone else was too old for us. lol but we found 2 twins were nice and they took us to this bar which was really cute and i ate vegan dumplings. it was fun and shoutout mel for steak dinna

LOOK MEL SENT A PICTURE OF THE BROOKIE LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK and the ice cream ! GUYYYYYS that ice cream was so good i literally turned into the biggest. fattest. chud this night i promise u that caramel crunch ass icecream im so mad its still at mel's house... i didnt finish it SIIIIIGHEEEE

monday 09th of february 2026 - 17:22

CW:55.5 intake:0cal steps:none shclean?:no

no art for a while, a long while, my tablet is broken and i need to take some time to find the stupid apple ID on that thing so i can have it sent in, its under the warrenty but like... i dont remember the password i dont even remember the email if im being honest, which, is quite a problem. i dont know what do with that, so i guess ill work on my neocities more in the meantime.

i had this big blown out of proportion argument with my parents about it and idk how much longer i can just.. be in this place and handle the shit that they throw at me. im seriously thinking about getting a job and saving up some money for a few months, maybe max 6 months and then leaving all together, this place genuinely makes me want to unalive myself and im pretty good at supressing myself but this is just all too much for me. i feel like enough of a chud even living here just.. i need to go i need to leave. chat i need to leave as soon as i can manage... i just dont know how.

saturday 07th of february 2026 - 22:02

CW:56 intake:2cal steps:none shclean?:yes

ooohhhh myyyyy gooooooshhhh im literally fucking SICK today. so if u guys dont know i have some problems with food where ill go like a few days with no appitite and other days i cant stop binging, honestly ever since the start of february ive been binging but its usually past 10 pm... yesterday i mustve ate something that was bad or what because i woke up feeling sickly and my breathe has this specific smell u just cant fake.. just the smell of just sick.... ran to the toilet 7 bloody times and threw up 3 times. ok. so cute. after i threw up i felt so SO much better and i went to sleep because i got SO EXHAUSTED from the whole ordeal, and i just woke up now genuinely thinking it was the next day or something like lawd.

i mutualed with someone with the idea of a "competition" to see who loses more weight because LITERALLY I KEEP A FUCKING LOG OF MY WEIGHT AND I SWEAR TO GOD EVERY TIME I MAKE PROGRESS I RUIN IT so im gonna embarass myself with a fricking weirdo online. that totally reminds me of the "ana coaches" that used to dm me on my old twitter account to help me. guys. never get food problems, just be happy and enjoy your yummies.

thursday 05th of february 2026 - 20:55

CW:idk intake:8cal steps: 34 min walk shclean?:yes

hi . lol . today i went to therapy and i went to gym and i did some steps. yay and A+ to meee. i drank the little electrolytes water that my gym has and it was really yum yummm. i watched michael MJD on the treadmil because im a young ho and i dont wanna be left to my own thoughts like that.

then i went home and i took a sexy shower and shaved my sexy legs so i can be hairless. recently ive been watching alot of anthopology videos and i was thinking about how im shaving my ape coat and it made me feel really gross and weird just about my conciousness and existence LOL. im kinda weird.

here we have a hayato pic in his "casual clothes" and i took the outfit from the birthday gif thing i made last year becasue i didnt like the colors on his other old "casual outfit" i also really like the texture on his jeans also.. i tthink he looks really cute and handsome all together !!!

thissss is uh ame chan !! shes a character in the first half of my main story and shes meant to resemble artem in some kind of way without being related to him... i knooow they look like siblings but theyre not hehehe. i love her hair STYLE like the way her hair is shaped ! its reaaaally cute to me ^^

tuesday 03th of february 2026 - 23:12

CW:idk intake:1200cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

i got that internship by the way did i tell u guys and also ive been living the fat fucking chud life and its lowkey ruining me so i just wanna lock in everyone clasp their hands together and pray to the gods that itll somehow be different and ill lock in. ive just been rlly prepetually tired the past few weeks, its so dissapointing... :( im really sad with myself and dissapointed with myself i wanna beat mtself up over it siiiigh. stupud chud scale fuck u

friday 30th of january 2026 - 23:40

CW:idk intake:3000?cal steps:idk shclean?:no

yeah so like i got my internship i was talking about the other day !!! i got hired how nice. i also made rengoku page and im really happy with how that turned out i did that lowkey while i was avoiding my teacher and then i went home and totally ate way too much food like holy frick. so im officially triggered LOL

tuesday 27th of january 2026 - 15:34

CW:56.4 intake:7cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im having a little bit of a mid life crisis of sorts.. the whole situation fucking sucks but here goes.. i feel like im literally not cut out to finish my school, and it makes me feel like such a failure. i miss deadlines like its my job, i still havent gotten an internship even though i got one handed to me in my hands by my school because i missed the internship date, ive been avoiding my mentor at school because hes mean.. maybe just in the way he delivers himself, and i am completely unreliable in group projects, i feel like im a pest this school has spent too much money on.

ive been in the dutch college school system for 5 years now and so far i really havent done good, on year 1 i completely failed to the point where i had to swap schools, and the past 4 years have been harder and harder, this past year i had to redo my third year because i failed so astronomically and i dont even think theyre gonna let me into this stupid internship anyway. i cant do a do-over anymore, and im just lost on what to do

so this is something im going to decide now, because for me, when i fail, i feel like the whole world is crumbling, and its really hard for me to pick myself up afterwards. if i do not get into the internship this week, i will plan in a meeting with my only school representative, and ill ask her what i should do in regards to internship, and if there is no immediate solution i will quit college on the spot. im going to spend 1 month searching for a job afterwards and work 30-40 hours a week

but angel ! thats so many hours !! well, to that i tell you, im right now € 11.733 euro in debt, which is a shit ton, but in practice i can earn that back in.. maybe a year or 2. it would be an absolute insane waste of money, but im just.. not that good at school. it gives me a sense of security that i can still fix my mistakes with a job if i must, and i have really have no joy in school.. my only joy in life is art, i have no other enjoyment in anything or anyone, i dont even care that nobody else knows about my story or cares about it, if it makes me happy and it saves me, everyone and everything is indespencable. i texted my therapist if we could make another appointment and im going to ask her for advice and maybe recourses, i feel so stuck in the now, but my future can be so beautifull and prosperous if i try

financial freedom sounds absolutely beautiful, and i do struggle to hold down a job as an autistic person, but its possible for me to potentially get some disability aid as an autistic person, and i do actually want to move out before im 25. i feel really reliant on my mom and dad and its actually kind of pathetic watching everyone else around me grow up while i feel like im still the pathetic mess i was in highschool, i feel like a dumb manbaby instead of a clueless little teenage girl. i have to remind myself over, and over, and over, that i can and will be okay.

ive also been sober for a week now, not by choice, i just cant find my cart anywhere. sighs.

monday 26th of january 2026 - 10:17

CW:53.9 intake:500~ so farcal steps:idk shclean?:yes

i got kicked out of my class for being tired and laying my head down while waiting for my friend to come to class.. god forbid im a bit itred ?? atleast i tried to show up. i atleast had a good weekend hanging out with hyuna, we watched madoka magica together and 2kawaii4comfort, which was really fun, and we had lots of yummy snacks. im gonna lock back in today. i always like that i can enjoy myself without focussing on my eating disorder around her, its a nice break where i feel less bad about everything.. im soooooo exhauuuusted... just so.. so tired

wednesday 21th of january 2026 - 18:10

CW:57.1 intake:623cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im thinking about quitting most social media, maybe not quitting full stop, but definently limiting my time on it. i feel like its making me more anxious, its not letting me think about anything, anytime i feel even a single emotion, i HAVE to go and doomscroll on tiktok, and if i get bored of tiktok, i might go to instagram. and its not like im watching interesting videos, its just random stuff presented to me that i really dont give a shit about.

not only that but i feel like social media has consumed me in a way, i care about every little thing thats going on online, i get anxious about the idea of something happening thats gonna be bad, and if im not there to witness it, that very deep urge to control every possible situation, i cant do that. i feel hopeless. i have such a strong urge to micromanage everything, and to have control over everything and everyone

i seek dopamine in scrolling, and i seek dopamine in food, so if i want to stop seeking out dopamine in that way, i have to cut out both. so ive decided to limit my scrolling time to an hour, which would allow me enough time to maybe check out some edits in the train, but a 12 hour screentime on my phone is ridiculous. YES i do watch alot of youtube on my phone, and i draw alot on my ipad, and i code alot on my computer, but thats NOT the same

when im coding, im actively problem solving, which feels really really good, i always feel SO smart and accomplisched when i figure out something which i previously couldnt grasp at all with my coding, its such a thrill. the same goes for drawing, i love looking back on pieces ive finished, i adore my own artwork to death. just imagine how much more i could admire my own work if i had more hours in the day to draw !!

and youtube ? i watch that when im going to bed or when im eating, its relaxing and comforting, i get to pick a video out of a list of my interests, and im very much into educational content on youtube, i get to consume stuff i personally pick and actually care about and support creators i really enjoy.

i also just notice that im so anxious all the time, and i kind of need to learn to manage my emotions from the source, i need to allow myself to think about things instead of numbing myself. i have been stuck in a depressive episode since mid august. i need to snap out of it.

sunday 18th of january 2026 - 15:40

CW:55.5 intake:728cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im clean every day, i never cut myself, i never skip a shower or skip brushing my teeth, i always take care of myself. but why do i still feel so disgusting and gross all the time ? i feel like i dont deserve a sustinence because im so gross. i hate myself so much. walking is uncomfortable because of my size, sitting is extremely uncomfortable, sleeping is uncomfortable

and sleep is impossible, my psychiatrist upped my dose to double, i have to pick it up tommorow. i feel like everyone around me might just assume im lazy or that i dont want to get better, but i do, i really do, but i feel too gross.

i regret my attempted recovery every single day, it set me back so much, at the time i had some kind of support system and i really did believe i could recover but i regret it more than anything. on friday i was with my friends and the issue about food came up, i was such a mess but because im not small enough it really didnt register why i was acting so weird about it

and then of course the mention : "oh yeah, one of my ex'es used to have an eating disorder, i just try to make sure everyone around me eats well". of course all i could say was "yeah right" as i dissosiate . i should have stayed insistent that i didnt want anything, but its so hard to when someone encourages you to eat 3 or 4 or 5 times. and of course it wasnt his fault he just wanted to be nice.

i cant help that i only feel pretty on an empty stomach and thats not his fault, but i definitely need to go to the gym tonight... ive been putting that off for 2 weeks now its literally ridiculous. ive just been so prepetually tired and exhausted and i hate it, ever since the new year i have felt like i was glued to my bed. i feel like my life is stuck in waiting mode untill i lose weight but its so hard to lose when i cant even bring myself to move.

wednesday 14th of january 2026

CW:idk intake:727cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im genuinely terrified to weigh myself, i said i would do it every day so i can keep myself accountable but literally looking at that scale makes me want to cry, i feel too big, i feel too fat. im probably between 54 and 56 bbut i have no idea.

i made dinner for me and my mom today because she was feeling sick. i boiled some brussle sprouts, made some mashed potatoes (nice and buttery because i cant resist being a fatty) and i made some simple chicken thighs with a marinade of ketyap manis, garlics, some seasonings. it was really good, but i didnt let myself have much. the leftovers in the fridge are fricking tempting me.. i didnt like the cucumber salad :( i cut the cucumbers forever ago and they were in the fridge and when i ate it it tasted a little off, but it was just.. dry ish ? not dry as in dehydrated, just not moist and juicy enough. i dont know how to explain it lol.

im in the habit of taking care of myself better too, hygiene and mental health wise. my friend showed me this app called "finch" where u can basically have a lil virtual pet that u take care of and you take care of it by doing tasks you can put in or it just reccomends you some. i have alot of tasks but it helps me remember what i need to do in a day, i find it really helpful, cause i literally forget sometimes how to take care of myself.. anyway..

i also drew hayato body type today !! im really proud of how it turned out, its so cute !!.. heh

wednesday 7th of january 2026

CW:54.0 intake:20cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

hi this week i was supposed to return to school but i decided to stay home for another week due to my country's fucking shit travel system. there is and has been falling snow and the main company for trains basically isnt able to have trains going all across the country... which means i cant go to college. on monday i actually tried to go, but it was impossible for me to get to school, and when i tried to return back home it took me 4 hours. so i decided i wouldnt be going anymore untill there is reliable transport or the snow melts

i have an internship chat next week but im pretty much sure ill get the spot. its probably going to be pretty relaxed and nice and im excited to see whats up. my best friend also went to this internship spot and she said it was really good.

yesterday i went to this birthday party for my mom's coworkers grandkid. it was nice and they actually got us dinner, which, if you arent aware of dutch culture, is not really common. they didnt even send a tikkie, like ?? i was suprised, but pleasantly so. i had a good time and the kid was super cute and sooooo tini tiny !

i also have been working on yuma her clothes ! i really wanna update and redo my art gallery page since... all the links are fucked up and im actually very annoyed by it so i would rather make a version 2 than fix all the old links. so yeaahhh

yuma outfit catalogue !

thursday 1st of january 2026

CW:54.5 intake:0cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

hi everyone !! i spend a little while fixing some stuff for this blog that i havent been able to fix prior to this.. because of pure laziness... which should be alot better nowwww !!! im going to have only this 1 window and make this one single box scrollable since it looks better ^^ maybe if i am not lazy ill change the past few months too so its more pleasant to the eye !!! i also wanna keep track of some stats on here and make an effort to write more often so yeaahhhhhh !!!

my program was hella chill today, im rlly excited for tommorow !! im going to my friends house to party and celebrate the new year ! ive been looking forward to that for quite some time. i spent yesterday with my cat, in my country youre allowed to fire off fireworks alone if you want, so it kind of sounds like a bomb zone... poor baby was shaking but i kept him safe, and he slept with me in bed.

i witnessed some fireworks thru my window but it aint the same lol, i fell asleep like 30 mins later after midnight. i hope everyone had a good new years eve !!

monday 29 december 2025

its so close to new year, new year new me ? in 2026 i wanna focus on myself and my mental health too, i wanna feel better. i hope everyone tries that honestly. so long you think theres nothing you can do to make yourself feel better no matter how hard you try, i know the feeling. put i dont want my whole life to be this sad, im only sad all the time, i never feel comfortable. but i really do wanna, even just a little calmer. i suffer so much from my bipolar but i just want it to be less harsh on me. i want to be able to do things without feeling like im going to die of anxiety. yeah... that. sorry i didnt write any blog entries, i actually jave a paper diary i write in, so maybe i should reserve this pages for only art related stuff or something

friday 21 november 2025

recently ive been thinking about chrischan again, for the people not in the know ive watched that entire documentary about him last year and i was actually talking to my gf about nova online and then the topic of chris came up and i started giggling at the lore, i told her a really abridged version of his life story, since hes the most documented person in human history, and i went on that channel called "chris chan : a comprehensive history" and while i was looking for the playlist with the whole documentary series to rewatch it i stumbled upon the video archives from him. i started watching some of his old videos from like 2007-2009 on his shitty cam corder with the green lighting and its been killing me. i wanted to share some of my favorite moments from the videos i ended up clicking on LOL

chris chan aeon flux 100408 chris chan undressing chris and emily date, a wild pickleman appears. chris chan update october 21, 2008 cwcupdate01182009 apology to game & hobby place 2009 03 27 cwc update!!!!! the chronicles of chris chan - the rape of the internet bunny hop the chronicles of chris-chan: christian & the love doll: a sexy story cwc's "it's okay to be gay" chris rages the chronicles of chris-chan: CONFIRMED FOR BRAWL

these are just some of many... many... MANY. videos in that huge ass playlist, they get a chuckle out of me every single time and the comments also add some context so you guys can actually get an idea whats so funny about this... ill link the youtube channel below as well as the playlist too for your own enjoyment hehehehe. ill update on my progress on the 80 episode documentary... i might download episodes for my train commute to school, since i have youtube premium ! oh lord im gonna become a christorian.

chris chan : a comprehensive history TRUE complete chris chan video archive

thursday 20 november 2025

i was sooooowwwww productive today, i kinda woke up like shit because i got a rlly bad call, but i managed to kind of fix the problems i was having... i made myself a pack of buldak spicy chicken cheese flavour... and let me tell u, that shit does NOT compare to the carbonara flavour at ALL. holy crap. it was fine but im never buying that crap again.

in the afternoon i sat down and i made a design sort of thing for my resume cause im gonna apply to a graphic design internship so i went on pintrest and then looked at inspo for an hour and then looked for fonts for 2 hours and then when i got to work i genuienly reached a flowstate i didnt even know i could reach. i so... so... SO... wish i could show you my resume but i found unfortunately dox myself in 5 different fonts. so that took my entire afternoon and then afterwards i collected all of my pics for my portfolio and i put them all in a folder and im gonna work on dat tommorow

im gonna skip school tommorow because what do u mean i have a substitute tommorow for my first class and then for my second class its just straight up not gonna be a single teacher there and we're all gonna be marked present ? fuck off im not going. just gonna work on my portfolio and then im gonna idk die or something. OK SLEEPY TIME GOODNIGHT CHAT

monday 17 november 2025

i added a youtube page ! making it and adding new pages is kind of a pain in my ass but im having fun with it heh. my skincare stuff has been making my face look alot aloooot better... im way less red and my eyelids improved so much, so im really happy about that hihi. they're almost the same color as the rest of my skin ! and not peeling anymore, so thats good. its kind of hard to remember to take care of myself but my sunny reminds me often enough

im completely locked in on the gym but im completely locked out of drawing... i have yet to finish the mukumi drawings... even though ive been dragging that out for one billion years. im so never finishing all these refs... never say never actually ill probably do it soon. but guys ! gym ! locked back in ! ive been training really hard and ive been lifting more even today, i destroyed my legs on that legpress.

on saturday i went to the city with my dad for an eye checkup and ive gotten quite a bit worse, but my dad ended up paying for 2 new branded glasses from adidas lol.. theyre quite nice but i just dont like glasses, i dont suit them at all... oh well i need it for my eyehealth before that gets worse. i find it extremely annoying to be working on stuff and then having my contacts dry my eyes up like raisins.. proooobably one of the causes as to why my eyes got worse

i also got addicted to this stupid game on my phone called widgetable... the pets caring system is so cute nobody gets me...

thursday 13 november 2025

what i think i hate the most about having a personality that has you struggling alot with addiction is that when you relapse on one thing, you want to relapse on EVERYTHING, and relapsing is almost like a comfort instead of something youre ashamed of, its something that pulls you close in and tells you that your feelings no matter what those feelings would be, are valid, and that youre okay and that youre seen, but in the same breath it also shames you for not pressing deeper, for not shoving your fingers down your throat or choosing recovery instead of restricting, it takes your struggles and makes you feel like youre never sick enough no matter what it is youre struggling with

i hate how intense my ups and downs feel sometimes, i hate the brainfog i get because i smoke, but then again i also dont stop smoking weed to let my headspace clear up, i keep using because it makes me dull out all those emotions, i hate that my psychiatrist doesnt let me get a refill on my meds because she believes ill get addicted, but the same lady pushes my appointment back for mood stabelisers an entire month thinking i can handle that ?

as nice as it is that i live in a house where my parents care about me, i hate that they are so overbearing at times, and barely let me cope, shoving food down my throat and constantly reminding me about food, not even letting me cry in peace sometimes, touching my face and my skin when im already pushing them off and forcing me to talk it out when sometimes its just a small issue and then telling me to suck it up when its not some massive deal for them and that i shouldnt waste my tears on such things

i hate my teachers for telling me ill be accomidated for all my therapy and then sending me 4 emails about how i havent been following all my classes, for telling me that i should be doing more work when im already doing my best, but i also hate myself for not being able to keep up with simple school work. i genuinely believe that maybe im just not cut out for this shit and that it really is my calling to crash a random car into a tree. ive said this my whole life basically, i dont see myself growing up and i guess im already grown up but i dont FEEL grown up. i dont feel like i can handle responsibilities, i cant handle anything without breaking down like a useless person.

whatever, im just gonna eat and go to the gym and just really pray that the sweat wont make my arm sting more than it already stings, and that i survive the shower and soap when i get back. ive done nothing interesting art wise or school wise i could show off (even though i know nobody reads my stuff, im alone here, which is okay, its all for me anyways, it really actually doesnt matter what i write i think, sometimes i wish someone even lingered) ok bye chat see u next time

monday 10 november 2025

hey yall. yesterday i couldnt sleep because i was so excited that i finished my schoolwork, so i coded like a madman untill 3 am and then stayed on tiktok till 5 am like a maniac. i went to bed after that and i managed to sleep. i woke up at like 11:30 to my dad barging into my VERY messy room and asking me a bunch of crap and stuff i dont care about. i tried to rush him out because he had a beautiful view of my vape and vibrator which was in my bed and its just unsavoury... lol

i got ready for the dentist on a rush and i was there for about 20 mins total, 15 mins of that was waiting to be picked up by the dentist asisstant. so i go and the assistant says she hasnt seen me in so long and that ive lost weight and also cut my long hair, such a waste she said. in all honesty ive maintained the same weight for the past year, so it was probably that i was wearing a binder that made her think i lost anything. after i came back i was so bored and i remembered i wanted to go to the gym

so i put on some makeup to feel pretty and went to the gym, yesterday i ordered this adidas gymbag and it came in today, my dad said "give me your account number, ill pay you back" and i happily obliged... thats 25 bucks i saved right there ! at the gym i did upper body, i decided i wanna run a U/L program, since i already know my way around there pretty easily. i lifted HEAVY, usually i can rep 12 but today i could only do 8 range, sometimes even failing at 7. so im gonna be sore as fuck but idgaf. i also got my 20 mins of cardio in. i felt really really good going home.

and i had a nice shower and scrubbed myself clean and noticed i had another allergic reaction, but i didnt use any eyelash glue so i got so pissed. i cleansed my face and did my skincare (gf makes me do it and i love her sm for helping me). my eyelids completely swollen i cant even look at myself LOL how nasty of a sight. atleast i smell good ngh and i do feel good. i had dinner and i decided i wanna eat more banana's ??? after dinner i watched some documentary and then i worked on my art gallery here on neocities, i added the year 2024. lowkey considering having my entire history of art on here but then again... not really... THATS IT now im writing a blog entry and taking my ass to bed, sleep well chat, bless

sunday 9 november 2025

i finished my homework !!! bless. now i can focus on the gym. i convinced my hg hyuna to do a part of it for me god bless her. i turned everything in ON TIME like i cant believe i get to sleep in tonight ?? i thought i was gonna do an all nighter. i made a second poster.. a movie poster type thing. when i tell you that shit is ASS i sure do mean it. holy fack. its actually so bad it looks like its made in ms paint and I CANT STOP LAUGHING AT JUST HOW BAD IT ACTUALLY LOOKS GOD BLESS AND GOODNIGHT

saturday 8 november 2025

i have been working my ass off at schoolwork the past week or so, i wanna go back to the gym and ive been fighting off feelings of relapsing into my ed lol... i think going back to the gym will help fight those feelings but its been a little hard with how busy i am. i managed to make a poster for my main school project, as well as making a folder for a side project. tommorow when i wake up i have to do 2 more side projects, and my friend hyuna is gonna help me out a little too, god bless her

my dad came back from travelling outback again, he had so many issues coming back home, he brought his second car all the way out there and parked it somewhere, and had to take the bus back to our country. the trip from serb to NL is 24-30 hours depending on the traffic. me and my mom have this inside joke that the absolute worst things always happen to my dad, and that he just has bad luck for that kind of thing

so when the bus stopped at border control, we thought the 5 hour delay causing him to miss his connecting bus was going to be it. but then later his bus gets into a crash and the crash seat was 2 seats away from his. i remember walking downstairs and my mom gave me this look like she died inside... she goes "your dad's been in an accident..." and i was like "what do you mean??" and she was like "his bus crashed"... and i told her to give me the phone and he was literally fine, but she scared me ???? why did she say it like that christ LOL

im twitching my eyeball at my lack of mukumi progress, i still have yet to finish the outfits. i made this cute beach sketch. i do not know whats with me and drawing my top 9 at the beach. i dont think ill be finishing this drawing very soon... cause i also saw this animation i wanted to do.. but but guys... i have to redo ALL my references... and also draw a comic... like what.. guys ... oh no but i have schoolwork to do instead... guys.. guys... guys... guys... guys...

wednesday 5 november 2025

hi hi ! i thought id actually make a quick entry here since its 5 days into november and my lazy bum ass hasnt done anything yet. so ive been slightly stressed caaaaause i have so much work i have to complete ! last month i went to alot of therapy and ADB and now i have alot of work to catch up on which infact led me to cry like a little baby and my parents (and sweet bf) had to calm me down lol... right now im taking a little break from bullshitting.

i genuinely dont have a clue if im gonna be able to finish my schooling but im really gonna try, i dont know how some of these top students do this crap ?? sitting at your desk all day and studying... maybe im just a lazy piece of crap with my diligence... i took today (wednesday) off, and i also have tommorow, thursday, to finish my main project.. then after that i dont know what will happen regarding to my other grades... my head hurts thinking about it...

guyyys... i deserve to be unemployed and do nothing and laze around all day. not work on my dumb degree thats pretty much 100% useless due to the rise of ai... sighs... anyways todays breakfast was chickennuggets. im also going back to the gym after study jail is over... cause im due for it, i suck at my ED so im just gonna do my gymbro thing since i was decent at that, but only after i finish studying because fuuuuuuuck all u fucks who says i need to have decipline i barely have the decipline to not kms LOLOLOL ok angel out

wednesday 29 october 2025

i havent written an entry in a long time, i got really busy with my life and ive been focussing on myself the most. i hope to get back into the swing of things soon, maybe even write some more entries in november !! i gotta update all the outdated pages too, which seems so daunting, but im sure itll actually be very relieving !!

ill update stuff first and show off my work maybe today or tommorow !! ive drawn quite a few times since the last time i updated and made so. much. lore progress. i miss working on the site SO MUCH !!

hi its me from like an hour later !! i updated all the old writing, i fixed alot of outdated crap and updated some images too !!! finally bcs why did this take me as long as it did...

click here !!!

one of the drawings i made during my hiatus !!! its rurika x artem little kissy smoochy moment... and also artem pretending to be a horse while hisa rides his back. i made this picture as a joke LOL but... artem looks so so so fine here !!!

click here !!!

we also have this cute picture of my most underrated besties, rengoku and nachi !! the pose was so hard to do since all of my sketches looked stiff and ugly... but after making it dynamic enough for my taste i ended up being super ultra happy !!!! especially with rengoku's cheeky little expression ~

i also drew a couple pictures of other angel and with my friends too.. i still owe one of my irl's a bday present, but its kinda normal for me to be really late with those !!! ive also started redoing all of my characters reference sheets and i did mukumi's like bodytype and its such a drastic change that ive startled myself... just have a look i guess

click here !!!

just ever so... just ever so slightly startled myself... what happened to my style LMAO. i do prefer it tho, it looks shaded and alive and more dynamic and interesting, and i didnt allow myself to use the mirror tool, forcing me to only use references !! and the shading, im really proud of that. ive been shading with a new technique for a while now but this pic kind of really really shows how its changed. im actively drawing his clothes as we speak, first ill just draw his uniform and then ill give him a couple of other clothes as well !!! im excitec to see him reborn.. then continue with the rest ~

thursday 18 september 2025

hello guys~ ive been on meds for a while now and im feeling so much better and stable. my moodswings are super managable... im making a bit of progress... on monday i went to my therapy clinic and it was fine.. we had group therapy and that was hella akward hihi ! it was me and a different dude who had it way worse than me, he was barely moving throughout the whole session. i colored a coloring page while we watched a documentary.

then on tuesday and wednesday i went to school and guys... i actually did my schoolwork !! im so proud of myself. i did some photoshop jobs as well as research which i also promised id do. i worked on my portfolio on wednesday. after college my friends dragged me to some random rich kid neighborhood and we went to one of my friends friends house... he got us ALL pizza and he got me and julia sushi box too ??? that was all super good. mel put stars in my hair like beads. it was fun but i got home rlly late and there was definently some puke too. we played cards against humanity and that was funny

i made it home by 11:30 i think ?? then today i woke up and i had groups therapy again. it was a bit different this time, today it was me and 2 guys, one 25 year old trans guy that was kinda hyper and only liked talking about himself, and then an old dude that reaaaaally wanted to kill himself. i made this cool collage in the therapie session with a bunch of stickers and buttons but i didnt take a picture.

gyms been lacking but honestly i am very exhausted from both therapy and school so i dont blame myself. i will get back into it once i get into the rythm of things, i cant be too mad at myself when my therapy sessions lasts hours and i have to go to school and do homework. so im honestly just staying realistic, gonna make some time for it when i feel a bit more stable. i also have MORE medication now and i dont think the meds are gonna stop coming theyre gonna put me on alot of stuff because i cant stop talking about my problems

we're making some progress for my transition too, i talked with a couple of people there about my note that i need to start applying, and since my psych was lowkey avoiding her responsibility on that not 1 but 2 of my therapists have sent her well worded letters about it. my main therapist apologised that i have been neglected, not only in my life but also at therapy, where i should be feeling safe. she said she was going to make sure i get my note and that ill be put on the lists. in the meantime theres enough work to do like trauma therapy and stuff, i will jump through every hoop to feel okay with myself and life

also recently found out my parents saved half of a million euros for me ? but that they cant give it to me because of the whole massive tax cut. the idea is that i will get it after i graduate... that shook me a little LOL. eating ice cream rn, listening to tyler. chilling so good. byeeeeeeee

monday 1 september 2025

i went to college today. im reallly, reaaaaally glad to be home. that good nights sleep is something ive been wanting for a while now. i was on time today so honestly i ate that up, and when i went to get an energy drink i was able to snatch the last sugar free one ? okur im happy

my class was so. eugh. i made some friends actually but all in other classes, which is still fun. and i saw my hoooomegiiiirllll !! i missed her so much lol its not even funny anymore. speaking of that, yesterday i FIIIIIIINAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY got a new ipad ive been dying dying dyyyyyiiiiing for a new one !!! and now i gots it. so i drew a little doodle !!! its other angel and other haku watching a movie together ~ i really like how it came out, especially the biceps and the veeiiiinsssss. the bracelet of course, the oily ass nose on me LOL, AND THE CREEPER PLUSHIEEEEEEEEE my fav fav FAVVVVV

i also drew my other oc's lee and jaza today. usually i focus purely on hisanoki but honestly i missed drawing my nonchalant sexy lesbian and gremlin baby. so here is them too. i felt a little stiff drawing this but GAAAAH lee's slutty waist ?!?!?!?!?!?! the bony hands... her looooong hair.... JAZABELLS THIGH. GAP. AAUUUGH END ME. i think the total time for this one was like 2 hours and the one of me and haku was like 3 hours i think.

also... about thigh gaps, mine got bigger recently im actually getting so shocked that the pounds keep dropping and dropping and its not like im starving myself, well, yeah no i still do eat, but today i saw my fucking chest bones in the mirror. my. chest. bones. only slightly but jeez.

thursday 14 august 2025

im kind of spaced out again... whoops !! well anyways i have some nice things to talk about i guess my cart ran out recently so i got a new one !!! thank the fuck cause i dont really function good without one, bad habit i know but i just enjoy it alot. so i got that BLAM. then i also worked a couple shifts, so im really hoping on the 20th ill get paid proper... i feel like thats the least i fucking deserve for picking up everyones sick days huh ?? and my coworker GOOOOD hes so annoying !!! hes so fake !!! like this man will give me the sassiest most disrespectful gay ass responses ever dude why do you even bother trying to talk to me fam they dont pay me enough to pretend to like this place.

little progress was made on the voice claim video... i fear i lost motivation to continue it properly and i was sooooo ambitious with the first one and honestly i think hisa might just have to be a magic magical exception.... or maybe i will just take my sweet time doing those idk but in the meantime i did keep busy a little, i drew a picture of kusunoki and hisa !!!

i really like this drawing, i think if i look back to my old work, my understanding of muscles has really improved which makes me super happy, because i remember just a few years ago i couldnt even draw girls !!! so this is just awesome to see noki with this, almost perfect, perfect genetics looking bodytype... it suits his character clique which i loooove. the red booty shorts lord have MERCY ON MY SOUL. and hisa just looks just darrrlingggg with his little umbrella and also his corset piercing being the same red as the shorts ??? STAWWPPPP guys how CUTE. i will never not love hisa's sense of goth fashion, its very unique to him and its just the most darling thing

click on meeee !!!

ive also been working alot on my toyhouse !!! i still dont like it, but recently i decided i would make it match my neocities, and instead of having information on it, i would use it as an image gallery, so its easier to update and also so i can still use it, becaaaause ive used it verrrry consistenly for like 3-4 years now ! i love toyhouse. anyway i deleted like 200+ old oc's i knew i would never care about, never sell, never like again, never need to see the art of. i feel so lifted. i guess i cant care about the old stuff anymore, even if it holds memories. here bellow ill show you, i sorted my pictures so satisfyingly !!! also been working on noki's character page, have a peek !!!

ive been doing more weight at the gym too, which i love, im finally eating a bit better, and im getting my protein in. i feel healthy, but, my sleep pattern has been weird. i wake up at 11 am like actually trying so hard to wake up, then i just spend my day untill 4 in the morning when i pass out, i wish i could have a normal person schedule, but im way too scared of going to the gym at a normal person time i guess...

thursday 7 august 2025

i think i truely started my day quite late at like 1 pm or something, when i woke up it was nice that it was clean and i paced around a bit as i usually do cause.. of course i do thats just what i do... i love my pacing around time. i made breakfast and i literally didnt wanna eat eggs again because i get that same egg ick some people talk about online so i pulled some meat from the freezer and i cooked it. its called schwarma meat its really popular here lol. i also had a kaiserbroodje in the fridge so i made that in the airfryer.. crispy on the outside and soft and pillowy on the inside. im getting hungry just typing this... lol

after this i went to go deliver some packages for my vinted. i went to this little store and it has alot of tables you can put your stuff on and the store will sell it for you. in a glass case i found some anime figures, of course overpriced, but still actually pretty cool. it had like miku in it and other anime girls. theres this one stall that does lots of hello kitty kuromi and cinnamoroll from aliexpress, they sell up a bit. at this point i was getting weird looks cause im a grown man taking pictures of this kind of stuff but god forbid i like it... lol.

then i came across this table with alot of homemade stuff (?) which i thought was kinda cool. i liked the big spider plush and i also liked the sanrio characters inside of these frames or cages... i dont know i think those figures come from blind boxes but i cant be for certain, i have a couple similar ones in my collection too ehe.. then my favorite stand with all the crystals, i love looking never buying, actually one time my old friend bought me a crystal that wards off bad things from your life in an aggresive way and half a year later he was hashtag gone. then lastly a little hello kitty nurse that reminded me of my gf

it was comedically hard to finish my dinner today, i was having spaghetti but i put too much onion powder it was intense but i finished it after like an hour of picking at it. i cant just leave the gains on the table and for what ??? im no pussy LOL. then i tried out my new breathedivinity pants. best fucking thing ever, so comfy and sturdy and the pockets have zippers ????? NO LONGER WILL MY CART FALL OUT OF MY POCKETS ON THE BENCHPRESS !!!!

wednesday 6 august 2025

according to my notes i woke up to the sound of mosquitos... these fucking pieces of shit have bene pestering me and my mom for a while now and its weirdly getting to me, so i was killing them in the morning. for breakfast i made 3 eggs and i finished the tub of skyr that we had in the fridge. i lowkey feel like i eat everything in sight at this stage.

while i was in the bathroom taking a dump my glorious lovely super duper nice mailman decided that he would not even ring the doorbell and just put a paper in my mailbox that i wasnt home. when i fucking was... so i had to wait untill the next day for that. fucking asshole lmao. i cleaned my room alot and i helped my mom make food. i served her up a platttarrrr like the queen she is and she told me some tea about my dad... soemthing about some criminal wanting to shoot him up i dont know i dont really care LOL. i forgot to take a picture of my dinner and i dont rmemeber what it was, but i do have my yogurt bowl picture

coded untill 10pm, then hit gym, i did back and shoulders and triceps and it only took me an hour before i went back home, so that was just a very chill day !!! apparantly i ate a really green filled platter of fucking food at 1 am so heres the pic cause i dont rememebr it. it has a whole avocado cut up, like a small one, a whole bowl of just spinach goop, 1 kiwi, kroepkoek (that was just in my cubbord tbh) and 4 pieces of cake roll... yum

tuesday 5 august 2025

i woke up yesterday hungry according to my notes, i decided yesterday actually that i would start keeping note so that it would be simpler and better if i wrote down blog entries !! alot of the time i catch myself writing that i did not remember my best friend haku texted me about a dream that she had about me and it was like a nightmare, and i had also had a weird nightmare about worms that night so that left me feeling a bit perplexed... lol

i was really hungry this day so prepared to see alot of food, for me this is quite alot tbh. i started it off with a yogurt bowl that had grapes in it, as well as a bowl with an entire avocado in it and the leftover chicken we had from yesterday. then an hour or 2 later i had this toast with jam on it since i was really lacking carbs to start out with.

i started packing up my vinted orders. i forgot to mention this a few days ago but i put alot of my clothes online on vinted and so far ive made 93 euro in sales and it was time for me to send them away i dont have an issue with the clothes being sent away but more that my local packages centre closed and its a huge huge hassle to bring my packages to 100 package places... but i did it anyways with the help of my mom. at the last stop for my packages i had an argument encounter with me and a dhl delivery dude arguing over the dhl locker.. fuck you man, the locker was out of space after that... also in a different store i found a dream keychain ??? absolutely legendary pull

i got home pretty frustrated and dinner was an entire fucking pizza, so i shoved that away easily with no problems cause a man was hungry as fuck. when i was eating it i was grateful that i was able to eat, and it made me feel happy. also side note but when i was in the bathroom, mind you, you should just picture me high most times, i picked up my moms hairdryer and pointed it at the mosquitos zooming around those annoying bastards. i swear. ive never seen one flee that fast. i coded the entire night cause it was lowkey thundering outside and i dont wanna go to the gym on a bike when theres lightning strikes... sorry guys LOL

monday 4 august 2025

i woke up ridiculously late this day, at like 1pm or something like that, and i got really hungry at around 3 pm, so i had my first meal !!! this day i had to go to the gym after taking my rest day. i spent some time in the morning updating my blog cause it had been a hot min.

i had some smoked meat and a piece of dark toast in the airfryer... i dont think i showed you guys another sketch from my animation so ill just show you another one. i did infact decide i would be coloring it in with a simple color palette !!! im almost done with it... hes so precious. i also did some grocories today teehee i didnt have any money so i collected all the cans and bottles that we had stored and i went to return them for the tax i get back... statiegeld

in the gym this night i just barely avoided the rain while going there, i did quads, shoulders, biceps and triceps. tbh i literally did tricep cable excersise before i left i couldnt be assed i was lowkey there for 2 hours and im just so slow working out rn.. when i went to sleep this night i was soooooo fucking tired. i woke my mom up thankfully she left me alone. also also also... forgot my dinner picture, but it was 2 pita breads with chicken in it and a yogurt bowl i think... it was nearly impossible to put away LMAO.

sunday 3 august 2025

this morning i woke up painstakingly early to go to work. i really didnt want to, but i had to. when posed with the challenge of making a breakfast i sure did make one. i got some shrimp from the freezer and i stirred up a shrimp recipe, but i omited the green beans cause we didnt have any. i also made half a pita bread to eat with that as well and that stayed nice and warm in my little container. i didnt take a pic of my shrimp cause... welll i did but it looks horrible, so take this old picture so you can get an idea... also ??? i ate a piece of cake ?? while i was making the food ? greedy bastard arent i

then in a different container i mixed some skyr with some protein powder and scrumbled one lotus cookie ontop. i love doing this and ill likely put this food on my recipes page cause it was yum !! it took me forever to eat this food cause i dont really get a break or anything like that so i just eat inbetween customers, which is allowed.

around 3 hours before my shift ended i started getting moody and just wanted to go home tbh. i was infact absolutely dying to go home !!! i left in much of a hurry when 3 pm rolled around. when i got home i couldnt find my gate key and had to have my mom open the gate. it really honestly freaked me out because im always so overstimulated and on edge when i get back home. its just too much sometimes lol, cause my work drains ALL of my social energy for the day, so its really hard for me to socialise after that... but i still have to.. sadly. anyway the key situation did get resolved my mom actually ended up finding it !!! yay guys !!!

my dinner was HEFTY ok, i felt like i was lowkey struggling to eat TS but i did do it cause ay... its just food... i actually went over my calories this day but ANYWAYS. we have the potatos from the oven with green beans my mom stirred up, and she made 4 hamburgers and only ate 1, my fatass lowkey ate 3 of them... lol shouldve had 2 but i digress.. then she also had creme soup ??? with noodles ?? idk i wanted to try it so i grabbed a small bowl it was really small.. and of course i had the last reminants of skyr i had with the last piece of sponge cake you FAT FAWK and strawberries... 10/10 meal lowkey just kinda went to slepe watching videos otp with my girlfriend

saturday 2 august 2025

i mustve woken up late this day cause i had breakfast at 2 pm... LMFAO !!! i wonder why that was (was at the gym very late). here i have a picture of my breakfast !!! i got 2 eggs nice and warm and cozy in a non stick pan with some smoked bacon bits... super delishhh !! i also love heating up a piece of bread in my airfryer it gets it super warm and crispyyyyyyyy as fuck every. single. time. will never shut up about this

the toast has a spread of cream cheese on it, the brand i use is called goldessa and tbh the only reason why that is is because i do not have anything else... its just what we have in the fridge ! i also had a celcius artic vibe frozen berry flavour. very yum yum !!! and a protein shake with literally just water and sucralose. i swear to god its so good !!! i went to go do something and i lowkey took aesthetic pics of myself but i dont like putting my face or body out there lol...

my dinner !!! its the same as yesterday. except i also had a yogurt bowl here with some skyr and then i put a whole ass scoop of protein powder and some fresh grapes and i ate that and as long as you add sucralose to the yogurt its fire. it was good !!! then i went to the gym and i worked my back, shoulders, biceps and forearms. i had to do it at a normal hour cause i had work the next morning and it wasnt so bad... i liked it !!!

friday 1 august 2025

hellooooo today we are adding a new month to the monthmap !!! how exciting. im thinking about adding a callender system ??? i would have to figure that out but wouldnt that be totally cute ??? anyways what did i do today... this day i decided i would start lifting weights in the gym.. and i also ate plenty today, but i dont remember if i took pictures of everything...

so here first you see a yogurt bowl with grapes cut into it with greek yogurt and some sponge cake ontop ??? its really good my mom made that so i literally used it as a topping. i literally rememebr pacing around my room all day just planning my workout and being very nervous... lol

here next we see another beautifull meal i ate, this time it was my dinner meal !! i had pork fillets my mom made, its so funny cause they literally were so bright red not even my pastel kawaii girl editing could save this image help LOL. i also had sweet potato and regular potato wedges on the side and these super delicious puffed up courgette cakes... i need to ask my mom for the recipe so i can share it with you guys... i had a protein shake before i left !!! in the night today i went to workout, i dont remember why i was out so late but i think i was just nervous.

i started with a simple treadmil warmup to calm my nerves, yes, i even smoked a cigarette before i went in because lifting weights next to others freaks me out so much but i wanna do it for me and i shouldnt care what others think. i worked out my abs, seated crunch machine thing, knee raises, weighed decline crunches and russian twists with that medicine ball. that medicine ball literally kills lowkey. then i worked my quads, i barely felt these but i did evelated heel squats with help of that smith machine, i feel like i get more of a stable squat with it while being able to pack on more weight and the plate on the floor helps me squat deeper

thennn hip adductor machine and leg press, that was quite hard actually cause i went all the way upstairs for that one and the machine is highkey heavy but i got through my sets. i then worked on my hamstrings and finished it off with calves... i feel like im the only person that loves doing calf excersises cause mine are already strong due to my cardio obsession... lol... then after i went home i lowkey kinda ate the dinner leftovers... oops