sunday 18th of january 2026 - 15:40

CW:55.5 intake:728cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im clean every day, i never cut myself, i never skip a shower or skip brushing my teeth, i always take care of myself. but why do i still feel so disgusting and gross all the time ? i feel like i dont deserve a sustinence because im so gross. i hate myself so much. walking is uncomfortable because of my size, sitting is extremely uncomfortable, sleeping is uncomfortable

and sleep is impossible, my psychiatrist upped my dose to double, i have to pick it up tommorow. i feel like everyone around me might just assume im lazy or that i dont want to get better, but i do, i really do, but i feel too gross.

i regret my attempted recovery every single day, it set me back so much, at the time i had some kind of support system and i really did believe i could recover but i regret it more than anything. on friday i was with my friends and the issue about food came up, i was such a mess but because im not small enough it really didnt register why i was acting so weird about it

and then of course the mention : "oh yeah, one of my ex'es used to have an eating disorder, i just try to make sure everyone around me eats well". of course all i could say was "yeah right" as i dissosiate . i should have stayed insistent that i didnt want anything, but its so hard to when someone encourages you to eat 3 or 4 or 5 times. and of course it wasnt his fault he just wanted to be nice.

i cant help that i only feel pretty on an empty stomach and thats not his fault, but i definitely need to go to the gym tonight... ive been putting that off for 2 weeks now its literally ridiculous. ive just been so prepetually tired and exhausted and i hate it, ever since the new year i have felt like i was glued to my bed. i feel like my life is stuck in waiting mode untill i lose weight but its so hard to lose when i cant even bring myself to move.

wednesday 14th of january 2026

CW:idk intake:727cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

im genuinely terrified to weigh myself, i said i would do it every day so i can keep myself accountable but literally looking at that scale makes me want to cry, i feel too big, i feel too fat. im probably between 54 and 56 bbut i have no idea.

i made dinner for me and my mom today because she was feeling sick. i boiled some brussle sprouts, made some mashed potatoes (nice and buttery because i cant resist being a fatty) and i made some simple chicken thighs with a marinade of ketyap manis, garlics, some seasonings. it was really good, but i didnt let myself have much. the leftovers in the fridge are fricking tempting me.. i didnt like the cucumber salad :( i cut the cucumbers forever ago and they were in the fridge and when i ate it it tasted a little off, but it was just.. dry ish ? not dry as in dehydrated, just not moist and juicy enough. i dont know how to explain it lol.

im in the habit of taking care of myself better too, hygiene and mental health wise. my friend showed me this app called "finch" where u can basically have a lil virtual pet that u take care of and you take care of it by doing tasks you can put in or it just reccomends you some. i have alot of tasks but it helps me remember what i need to do in a day, i find it really helpful, cause i literally forget sometimes how to take care of myself.. anyway..

i also drew hayato body type today !! im really proud of how it turned out, its so cute !!.. heh

wednesday 7th of january 2026

CW:54.0 intake:20cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

hi this week i was supposed to return to school but i decided to stay home for another week due to my country's fucking shit travel system. there is and has been falling snow and the main company for trains basically isnt able to have trains going all across the country... which means i cant go to college. on monday i actually tried to go, but it was impossible for me to get to school, and when i tried to return back home it took me 4 hours. so i decided i wouldnt be going anymore untill there is reliable transport or the snow melts

i have an internship chat next week but im pretty much sure ill get the spot. its probably going to be pretty relaxed and nice and im excited to see whats up. my best friend also went to this internship spot and she said it was really good.

yesterday i went to this birthday party for my mom's coworkers grandkid. it was nice and they actually got us dinner, which, if you arent aware of dutch culture, is not really common. they didnt even send a tikkie, like ?? i was suprised, but pleasantly so. i had a good time and the kid was super cute and sooooo tini tiny !

i also have been working on yuma her clothes ! i really wanna update and redo my art gallery page since... all the links are fucked up and im actually very annoyed by it so i would rather make a version 2 than fix all the old links. so yeaahhh

yuma outfit catalogue !

thursday 1st of january 2026

CW:54.5 intake:0cal steps:idk shclean?:yes

hi everyone !! i spend a little while fixing some stuff for this blog that i havent been able to fix prior to this.. because of pure laziness... which should be alot better nowwww !!! im going to have only this 1 window and make this one single box scrollable since it looks better ^^ maybe if i am not lazy ill change the past few months too so its more pleasant to the eye !!! i also wanna keep track of some stats on here and make an effort to write more often so yeaahhhhhh !!!

my program was hella chill today, im rlly excited for tommorow !! im going to my friends house to party and celebrate the new year ! ive been looking forward to that for quite some time. i spent yesterday with my cat, in my country youre allowed to fire off fireworks alone if you want, so it kind of sounds like a bomb zone... poor baby was shaking but i kept him safe, and he slept with me in bed.

i witnessed some fireworks thru my window but it aint the same lol, i fell asleep like 30 mins later after midnight. i hope everyone had a good new years eve !!