i added a youtube page ! making it and adding new pages is kind of a pain in my ass but im having fun with it heh. my skincare stuff has been making my face look alot aloooot better... im way less red and my eyelids improved so much, so im really happy about that hihi. they're almost the same color as the rest of my skin ! and not peeling anymore, so thats good. its kind of hard to remember to take care of myself but my sunny reminds me often enough

im completely locked in on the gym but im completely locked out of drawing... i have yet to finish the mukumi drawings... even though ive been dragging that out for one billion years. im so never finishing all these refs... never say never actually ill probably do it soon. but guys ! gym ! locked back in ! ive been training really hard and ive been lifting more even today, i destroyed my legs on that legpress.

on saturday i went to the city with my dad for an eye checkup and ive gotten quite a bit worse, but my dad ended up paying for 2 new branded glasses from adidas lol.. theyre quite nice but i just dont like glasses, i dont suit them at all... oh well i need it for my eyehealth before that gets worse. i find it extremely annoying to be working on stuff and then having my contacts dry my eyes up like raisins.. proooobably one of the causes as to why my eyes got worse

i also got addicted to this stupid game on my phone called widgetable... the pets caring system is so cute nobody gets me...

what i think i hate the most about having a personality that has you struggling alot with addiction is that when you relapse on one thing, you want to relapse on EVERYTHING, and relapsing is almost like a comfort instead of something youre ashamed of, its something that pulls you close in and tells you that your feelings no matter what those feelings would be, are valid, and that youre okay and that youre seen, but in the same breath it also shames you for not pressing deeper, for not shoving your fingers down your throat or choosing recovery instead of restricting, it takes your struggles and makes you feel like youre never sick enough no matter what it is youre struggling with

i hate how intense my ups and downs feel sometimes, i hate the brainfog i get because i smoke, but then again i also dont stop smoking weed to let my headspace clear up, i keep using because it makes me dull out all those emotions, i hate that my psychiatrist doesnt let me get a refill on my meds because she believes ill get addicted, but the same lady pushes my appointment back for mood stabelisers an entire month thinking i can handle that ?

as nice as it is that i live in a house where my parents care about me, i hate that they are so overbearing at times, and barely let me cope, shoving food down my throat and constantly reminding me about food, not even letting me cry in peace sometimes, touching my face and my skin when im already pushing them off and forcing me to talk it out when sometimes its just a small issue and then telling me to suck it up when its not some massive deal for them and that i shouldnt waste my tears on such things

i hate my teachers for telling me ill be accomidated for all my therapy and then sending me 4 emails about how i havent been following all my classes, for telling me that i should be doing more work when im already doing my best, but i also hate myself for not being able to keep up with simple school work. i genuinely believe that maybe im just not cut out for this shit and that it really is my calling to crash a random car into a tree. ive said this my whole life basically, i dont see myself growing up and i guess im already grown up but i dont FEEL grown up. i dont feel like i can handle responsibilities, i cant handle anything without breaking down like a useless person.

whatever, im just gonna eat and go to the gym and just really pray that the sweat wont make my arm sting more than it already stings, and that i survive the shower and soap when i get back. ive done nothing interesting art wise or school wise i could show off (even though i know nobody reads my stuff, im alone here, which is okay, its all for me anyways, it really actually doesnt matter what i write i think, sometimes i wish someone even lingered) ok bye chat see u next time

hey yall. yesterday i couldnt sleep because i was so excited that i finished my schoolwork, so i coded like a madman untill 3 am and then stayed on tiktok till 5 am like a maniac. i went to bed after that and i managed to sleep. i woke up at like 11:30 to my dad barging into my VERY messy room and asking me a bunch of crap and stuff i dont care about. i tried to rush him out because he had a beautiful view of my vape and vibrator which was in my bed and its just unsavoury... lol

i got ready for the dentist on a rush and i was there for about 20 mins total, 15 mins of that was waiting to be picked up by the dentist asisstant. so i go and the assistant says she hasnt seen me in so long and that ive lost weight and also cut my long hair, such a waste she said. in all honesty ive maintained the same weight for the past year, so it was probably that i was wearing a binder that made her think i lost anything. after i came back i was so bored and i remembered i wanted to go to the gym

so i put on some makeup to feel pretty and went to the gym, yesterday i ordered this adidas gymbag and it came in today, my dad said "give me your account number, ill pay you back" and i happily obliged... thats 25 bucks i saved right there ! at the gym i did upper body, i decided i wanna run a U/L program, since i already know my way around there pretty easily. i lifted HEAVY, usually i can rep 12 but today i could only do 8 range, sometimes even failing at 7. so im gonna be sore as fuck but idgaf. i also got my 20 mins of cardio in. i felt really really good going home.

and i had a nice shower and scrubbed myself clean and noticed i had another allergic reaction, but i didnt use any eyelash glue so i got so pissed. i cleansed my face and did my skincare (gf makes me do it and i love her sm for helping me). my eyelids completely swollen i cant even look at myself LOL how nasty of a sight. atleast i smell good ngh and i do feel good. i had dinner and i decided i wanna eat more banana's ??? after dinner i watched some documentary and then i worked on my art gallery here on neocities, i added the year 2024. lowkey considering having my entire history of art on here but then again... not really... THATS IT now im writing a blog entry and taking my ass to bed, sleep well chat, bless

i finished my homework !!! bless. now i can focus on the gym. i convinced my hg hyuna to do a part of it for me god bless her. i turned everything in ON TIME like i cant believe i get to sleep in tonight ?? i thought i was gonna do an all nighter. i made a second poster.. a movie poster type thing. when i tell you that shit is ASS i sure do mean it. holy fack. its actually so bad it looks like its made in ms paint and I CANT STOP LAUGHING AT JUST HOW BAD IT ACTUALLY LOOKS GOD BLESS AND GOODNIGHT

i have been working my ass off at schoolwork the past week or so, i wanna go back to the gym and ive been fighting off feelings of relapsing into my ed lol... i think going back to the gym will help fight those feelings but its been a little hard with how busy i am. i managed to make a poster for my main school project, as well as making a folder for a side project. tommorow when i wake up i have to do 2 more side projects, and my friend hyuna is gonna help me out a little too, god bless her

my dad came back from travelling outback again, he had so many issues coming back home, he brought his second car all the way out there and parked it somewhere, and had to take the bus back to our country. the trip from serb to NL is 24-30 hours depending on the traffic. me and my mom have this inside joke that the absolute worst things always happen to my dad, and that he just has bad luck for that kind of thing

so when the bus stopped at border control, we thought the 5 hour delay causing him to miss his connecting bus was going to be it. but then later his bus gets into a crash and the crash seat was 2 seats away from his. i remember walking downstairs and my mom gave me this look like she died inside... she goes "your dad's been in an accident..." and i was like "what do you mean??" and she was like "his bus crashed"... and i told her to give me the phone and he was literally fine, but she scared me ???? why did she say it like that christ LOL

im twitching my eyeball at my lack of mukumi progress, i still have yet to finish the outfits. i made this cute beach sketch. i do not know whats with me and drawing my top 9 at the beach. i dont think ill be finishing this drawing very soon... cause i also saw this animation i wanted to do.. but but guys... i have to redo ALL my references... and also draw a comic... like what.. guys ... oh no but i have schoolwork to do instead... guys.. guys... guys... guys... guys...

hi hi ! i thought id actually make a quick entry here since its 5 days into november and my lazy bum ass hasnt done anything yet. so ive been slightly stressed caaaaause i have so much work i have to complete ! last month i went to alot of therapy and ADB and now i have alot of work to catch up on which infact led me to cry like a little baby and my parents (and sweet bf) had to calm me down lol... right now im taking a little break from bullshitting.

i genuinely dont have a clue if im gonna be able to finish my schooling but im really gonna try, i dont know how some of these top students do this crap ?? sitting at your desk all day and studying... maybe im just a lazy piece of crap with my diligence... i took today (wednesday) off, and i also have tommorow, thursday, to finish my main project.. then after that i dont know what will happen regarding to my other grades... my head hurts thinking about it...

guyyys... i deserve to be unemployed and do nothing and laze around all day. not work on my dumb degree thats pretty much 100% useless due to the rise of ai... sighs... anyways todays breakfast was chickennuggets. im also going back to the gym after study jail is over... cause im due for it, i suck at my ED so im just gonna do my gymbro thing since i was decent at that, but only after i finish studying because fuuuuuuuck all u fucks who says i need to have decipline i barely have the decipline to not kms LOLOLOL ok angel out