today is my last day here, and i think i really just want to go home. ive been waiting to leave my hotel for a couple of hours and its been annoying me.. alot. my trip to the 2 cities in egypt was fun, although exhausting. i really havent been in the right headspace for it, oh trust me on that, but ill be fine.

seeing ancient egyptian tombstones was weird and interesting in a cool way, it almost feels surreal ?? its almost hard to grasp that it is real. it was such a shame to see how much of it is destroyed, but i guess thats just how it is. i wanted to take some pictures, but i couldnt get myself to, so my mom took them instead, but i havent been able to convince her to send them to me. ive been in my head alot, but i think im just going to let all of my worries go, thrashing over it is exhausting me and no matter how hard i try to heal, holding onto something that doesnt want me is killing me

the tour guide was so. fucking. annoying, it kind of took out the joy of the tour, not only that, but it was also 40 degrees that day, so yeah. really,,, really hot. he was non stop rushing us in the heat, even when we begged him to slow down a little, and he had this really annoying nickname he called our group, and he would call us like dogs.. the second tour was alot better to me. since the first tour was a 4 hour drive to, and from, it was just tiring, but the second tour wasnt nearly that long. the first tour was in luxor, and my second one was hurghada city.

the most disgusting part about the second city tour was i think the market, i mean, in a way, this is just part of daily life for alot of people, and thats crazy to me, because the smell of the meat rotting almost made me vomit lol. i really liked the perfume store though. so that was nice. my mom ended up getting really sick though, so we couldnt go to cairo. tommorow, when i land, i will go out to buy myself a new ipad, i miss drawing more than anything i think.

i think i also know what i want to do with my story, finally, and i figured that out all on my own, how cool is that ? im slowly connecting all the dots together, figuring out the pacing in my head, reconnecting and rebuilding. i will write everything down when i get home. im so excited to draw the backgrounds too, i found this really cool app a couple months ago and i havent really drawn backgrounds much since i stopped drawing art for rogue.

all i have to focus on is 2 things, and the universe will take care of the rest, and that gives me peace. im so determined to be a better version of myself, a version of myself im proud to be of. i think ive figured it out, and im so happy. now, thats all i will think about. if my mind drifts off, i will simply ignore it, because thats not important to my path anymore.

flying is really tiring. every bit of it, in my opinion. i hate the feeling of standing in line for hours and having to constantly interact with people, my mom talking to me every second when i put my headphones on noise cancelling mode, having to turn that off and kindly ask her to repeat herself. the airplane is scary, i know there is some good science to it, but i guess because it just seems foreign to me. crying and gripping onto my fucking squishmellow because shes the only one i have left

people in egypt are friendly i would say, alot of them are curious about me and my face, i have alot and i mean alot of piercings, people often ask me why. i usually shrug, but ive been thinking about telling them weirder things... i dont know, like that thats my religion or something instead, but really, i just want to be left alone. i come from a place where everyone minds their own business so its different but not bad.

i have a tour to cairo and to another city, and also to the city closest to me, so 3 tours, i feel tired thinking about it, but i dont know if ill ever return back here, so i have to force myself to put on a big smile and be strong. to be honest, i dont want to be strong, i dont want to take care of myself in any way, i dont want to be good to myself, i dont want to be nice to myself. infact, i wish i could cut myself more than anything. i want to fall apart more than anything

but i know better than anyone that nobody, really, nobody in this world is coming to save me, so i have to not live, but survive. i have to keep breathing, i have to get up and just go, i dont know to what, or where, nothing feels certain anymore. i miss security, i miss believing im a good person, im actually thinking about admitting myself if i keep declining like this

i actually think i lost another kilo, yesterday i ate a 70g pringles can and some other chips that i had, but i didnt have anything else. today i ate some kids food at the buffet and i had a few bites of cake, but i went back to my room and my body just started to reject it, i felt sick instantly. god i feel like im being twisted around on a rollercoaster upside down and inside out and all i want is to get better. i dont want to keep living like this i want to get better but it feels impossible, genuinely impossible

the air here has a very specific scent, like pine, i guess. obviously it would, but the humidity is still not nearly as bad as how bad it gets in my bedroom when its 30 degrees outside lol... the water is clear and blue and beautiful, my resort is really nice and clean, the food is good, but i feel like i cant enjoy it. my body wants to die and my mind doesnt, i cant relax and enjoy like my friends keep telling me. i feel hopeless ???

i got flavoured cigarettes, they were so cheap. they were "expensive" 5 euro, for some flavoured cigarettes, back home that same pack would first off be illegal, but if it wasnt, it wouldve costed me like 20 euro. my bed is comfortable, but my pillow isnt, its really hard. i sound super whiny but you guys have no clue what im going through i lowkey feel like im being posessed by my negative emotions, i dont want to be nice to myself. i looked at myself in the mirror today and i just broke down crying, i feel like i dont have a place in the world

but the world didnt stop for me, nobody did, even when i cried out for help, nobody will save me and nobody is coming to rescue me, and thats the only thought ive been having recently. i feel like im being ripped apart from every limb, my body aches so much i feel like breaking every bone hurts less than this, i feel like im being tortured by my own mind, i feel like im being tortured by my own body, but what am i supposed to do ??? just because i dont want to doesnt mean i have a choice, my only other choice is to die, but i havent had the courage to do that either.

i can die, but what if something good was waiting for me ? i wouldnt have known, what if a better version of myself is waiting and i just have to keep pushing, but what if thats not true and i lost everything i ever prayed for. i had everything and i let it slip through my fingers because i couldnt man up and be good enough. not good enough... okay im ranting. it feels really good to rant here because i know nobody reads this shit, so i can just say what i want without being seen as cringe. i have feelings so huge and i dont know how to handle them

but one thing i do know, is that i never want to yell again. i dont want to take out my big feelings on innocent people trying to help me, i really feel like ive been hurt by every single person i kept close, and its safer to keep people at an arms lengh, but just because i have my own issues doesnt mean that i want to take that out on others. but god is it frustrating, living with this brain is genuinely one of the hardest things i could describe, i feel like everything is against me, everything hurts, everything is painful, i always felt this way. is it really so wrong to want to feel loved ? no, of course not, its wrong to act out because im not.

i want to curl into my bed and feel safe, and at home, i want to stop living in fear for the day all good things will be taken from me, i want to make those around me happy to see my face, happy to get my text, not be afraid of me. im tired of being a villain bevause im traumatised. i dont have the patience for myself, but what else do i do. the time passes anyway

nobody is coming to save baby angel, and atleast i can write my feelings out if anything, thats something. ill have more pictures next entry, i feel like i havent had a single moment to process my emotions untill now. i will keep praying for love, for kindness, for patience, for understanding, for forgiveness, for everything i need to be a better person. not to any god, just the universe. i want to be good to those in my life, be nice before you lose everything you ever wanted, okay ? thank you for reading

the world is super loud, and i hate that alot about the world. whenever i enter a public space its like the noises pierce my ears and stuff, a childs cry, or whining, the sound of an emergency vehicle, the sound of a car honking, the sound of a door slamming, god forbid a group of teenagers laughing. i never really realised how much i appreciate some good silence. im literally so sensitive to noise i can hear my mom and dads snore through their door, a set of stairs, and my own door, isnt that crazy ??

tommorow i have a trip, im going to egypt. ive never even been outside of europe, infact i never even left the main land of the continent. ive been to a couple countries, but in the past years, i mean, ever since covid i havent been anywhere. im kind of nervous, ive only flown once before on my tip to italy before covid, that was a long time ago since then, so thats nerve wracking

i lost like 3 kilo's in the past few days due to bad mental health, ive never ever gotten so bad to the point where food makes me feel ill, infact, food has always been one of my greatest comforts ever, but oh this was so different this time. i still can barely eat, yesterday i spent my entire day vomiting in a bin, i felt scared and alone, and i still feel really scared and alone, but if i keep going like this i will die, lol, so i forced myself to eat something. yesterday i could barely even keep water down, just picture like, water vomit ?? its as gross as it sounds.

these are some snacks im bringing on my trip, the chips and kinder bueno's are for me, and the tuc's amd fudge are for my mom. dont know if ill be able to like, shove them down but whatever money is alr spent. yesterday i also lowkey finished the last of the hunger games movies, i watched all of them alone and when i woke up i was having elaborate dreams about peeta and dale and they were trying to murder eachother lol. about that, peeta is the best character in the series and nobody and even comes clooooose not even a little bit. (effie is like a close second, i love her character development, but that kiss to haymich, what the fuck.) warning i didnt read the books yet i really want to but i dont have a library card or just money to buy it so.. whatever

i cant believe that at the end of the mockingjay series there was just a cut to the far future of peeta and katniss just... having kids. i have so many questions ??? is that just the end or what ? i liked the songbirds and snakes movie too i thought actually all the movies were good. i guess i just didnt like the fanservice between gale and katniss in the movies ?? i never liked him from the start, as a romance partner that is. idk he has a very punchable face and i really love peeta hes so.. perfect so of course ill be more privy to him idk. every kissing scene with gale and katniss felt to icky to me, i feel like its obvious katniss loved peeta more and thats obvious cause they had kids ? she was just kissing him randomly out of confusion.. the books probably went into way more detail about her exact thoughs and i think im missing that part, but i still really liked watching all of the movies.

i dont think i mentioned it before but i bought that sketchbook because my ipad has reached its last of its life, i bought it in first year of college and it was brand new and now any time it remotely gets warm it stops working. and its an expensive ass thing, now its almost gone. so whatever, sketchbook untill i can save up for a new one. i will color my drawings in probably on my phone a little, because i love the look of digital coloring but the lineart will be on paper. i want to make a comic for all of my characters, i want to illustrate their whole story. im about to start draft 3 because im still not exactly happy and i really want to make a plot for my story.

if i have to live for something, it will be for my passion of creation. hisa as a main character needs an even better motivation, a good motive for him to believe in, and do what he does for, i want to string all of the existing events into one, and have them happen for a reason. so when i draw my shit, ill post it here and on toyhouse, cause sketching on paper goes super, duper, mega fast for me.

on my old blog, i had something called "song of the day". i dont think i will write every day, just whenever i have something to say, something to say or scream about, posting insane tweets is unhealthy, or bad memes on my insta about my mental health, or my biggest enemy, fucking tiktok. i love long form content, long youtube videos, playing a videogame for an hour, working on my blog for hours, drawing for days, ect. so in going to try and limit my social media use as much as possible, maybe checking once in a while if somebody needs something, but the ones i want closely have my phone number, im a call away, for all of those i care about. oh i went off, uh, yeah song of the day. ive been listening to this song every day, it makes me feel calm, i love the repeating, the soft voice, its just nice and i feel like i understand it

> typewriter lesson - cornelius

ive been doing alot of thinking about alot of shit, but, i promised i would try to be nice to myself, so thats what im doing...

im kind of spaced out again... whoops !! well anyways i have some nice things to talk about i guess my cart ran out recently so i got a new one !!! thank the fuck cause i dont really function good without one, bad habit i know but i just enjoy it alot. so i got that BLAM. then i also worked a couple shifts, so im really hoping on the 20th ill get paid proper... i feel like thats the least i fucking deserve for picking up everyones sick days huh ?? and my coworker GOOOOD hes so annoying !!! hes so fake !!! like this man will give me the sassiest most disrespectful gay ass responses ever dude why do you even bother trying to talk to me fam they dont pay me enough to pretend to like this place.

little progress was made on the voice claim video... i fear i lost motivation to continue it properly and i was sooooo ambitious with the first one and honestly i think hisa might just have to be a magic magical exception.... or maybe i will just take my sweet time doing those idk but in the meantime i did keep busy a little, i drew a picture of kusunoki and hisa !!!

i really like this drawing, i think if i look back to my old work, my understanding of muscles has really improved which makes me super happy, because i remember just a few years ago i couldnt even draw girls !!! so this is just awesome to see noki with this, almost perfect, perfect genetics looking bodytype... it suits his character clique which i loooove. the red booty shorts lord have MERCY ON MY SOUL. and hisa just looks just darrrlingggg with his little umbrella and also his corset piercing being the same red as the shorts ??? STAWWPPPP guys how CUTE. i will never not love hisa's sense of goth fashion, its very unique to him and its just the most darling thing

click on meeee !!!

ive also been working alot on my toyhouse !!! i still dont like it, but recently i decided i would make it match my neocities, and instead of having information on it, i would use it as an image gallery, so its easier to update and also so i can still use it, becaaaause ive used it verrrry consistenly for like 3-4 years now ! i love toyhouse. anyway i deleted like 200+ old oc's i knew i would never care about, never sell, never like again, never need to see the art of. i feel so lifted. i guess i cant care about the old stuff anymore, even if it holds memories. here bellow ill show you, i sorted my pictures so satisfyingly !!! also been working on noki's character page, have a peek !!!

ive been doing more weight at the gym too, which i love, im finally eating a bit better, and im getting my protein in. i feel healthy, but, my sleep pattern has been weird. i wake up at 11 am like actually trying so hard to wake up, then i just spend my day untill 4 in the morning when i pass out, i wish i could have a normal person schedule, but im way too scared of going to the gym at a normal person time i guess...

i think i truely started my day quite late at like 1 pm or something, when i woke up it was nice that it was clean and i paced around a bit as i usually do cause.. of course i do thats just what i do... i love my pacing around time. i made breakfast and i literally didnt wanna eat eggs again because i get that same egg ick some people talk about online so i pulled some meat from the freezer and i cooked it. its called schwarma meat its really popular here lol. i also had a kaiserbroodje in the fridge so i made that in the airfryer.. crispy on the outside and soft and pillowy on the inside. im getting hungry just typing this... lol

after this i went to go deliver some packages for my vinted. i went to this little store and it has alot of tables you can put your stuff on and the store will sell it for you. in a glass case i found some anime figures, of course overpriced, but still actually pretty cool. it had like miku in it and other anime girls. theres this one stall that does lots of hello kitty kuromi and cinnamoroll from aliexpress, they sell up a bit. at this point i was getting weird looks cause im a grown man taking pictures of this kind of stuff but god forbid i like it... lol.

then i came across this table with alot of homemade stuff (?) which i thought was kinda cool. i liked the big spider plush and i also liked the sanrio characters inside of these frames or cages... i dont know i think those figures come from blind boxes but i cant be for certain, i have a couple similar ones in my collection too ehe.. then my favorite stand with all the crystals, i love looking never buying, actually one time my old friend bought me a crystal that wards off bad things from your life in an aggresive way and half a year later he was hashtag gone. then lastly a little hello kitty nurse that reminded me of my gf

it was comedically hard to finish my dinner today, i was having spaghetti but i put too much onion powder it was intense but i finished it after like an hour of picking at it. i cant just leave the gains on the table and for what ??? im no pussy LOL. then i tried out my new breathedivinity pants. best fucking thing ever, so comfy and sturdy and the pockets have zippers ????? NO LONGER WILL MY CART FALL OUT OF MY POCKETS ON THE BENCHPRESS !!!!

according to my notes i woke up to the sound of mosquitos... these fucking pieces of shit have bene pestering me and my mom for a while now and its weirdly getting to me, so i was killing them in the morning. for breakfast i made 3 eggs and i finished the tub of skyr that we had in the fridge. i lowkey feel like i eat everything in sight at this stage.

while i was in the bathroom taking a dump my glorious lovely super duper nice mailman decided that he would not even ring the doorbell and just put a paper in my mailbox that i wasnt home. when i fucking was... so i had to wait untill the next day for that. fucking asshole lmao. i cleaned my room alot and i helped my mom make food. i served her up a platttarrrr like the queen she is and she told me some tea about my dad... soemthing about some criminal wanting to shoot him up i dont know i dont really care LOL. i forgot to take a picture of my dinner and i dont rmemeber what it was, but i do have my yogurt bowl picture

coded untill 10pm, then hit gym, i did back and shoulders and triceps and it only took me an hour before i went back home, so that was just a very chill day !!! apparantly i ate a really green filled platter of fucking food at 1 am so heres the pic cause i dont rememebr it. it has a whole avocado cut up, like a small one, a whole bowl of just spinach goop, 1 kiwi, kroepkoek (that was just in my cubbord tbh) and 4 pieces of cake roll... yum

i woke up yesterday hungry according to my notes, i decided yesterday actually that i would start keeping note so that it would be simpler and better if i wrote down blog entries !! alot of the time i catch myself writing that i did not remember my best friend haku texted me about a dream that she had about me and it was like a nightmare, and i had also had a weird nightmare about worms that night so that left me feeling a bit perplexed... lol

i was really hungry this day so prepared to see alot of food, for me this is quite alot tbh. i started it off with a yogurt bowl that had grapes in it, as well as a bowl with an entire avocado in it and the leftover chicken we had from yesterday. then an hour or 2 later i had this toast with jam on it since i was really lacking carbs to start out with.

i started packing up my vinted orders. i forgot to mention this a few days ago but i put alot of my clothes online on vinted and so far ive made 93 euro in sales and it was time for me to send them away i dont have an issue with the clothes being sent away but more that my local packages centre closed and its a huge huge hassle to bring my packages to 100 package places... but i did it anyways with the help of my mom. at the last stop for my packages i had an argument encounter with me and a dhl delivery dude arguing over the dhl locker.. fuck you man, the locker was out of space after that... also in a different store i found a dream keychain ??? absolutely legendary pull

i got home pretty frustrated and dinner was an entire fucking pizza, so i shoved that away easily with no problems cause a man was hungry as fuck. when i was eating it i was grateful that i was able to eat, and it made me feel happy. also side note but when i was in the bathroom, mind you, you should just picture me high most times, i picked up my moms hairdryer and pointed it at the mosquitos zooming around those annoying bastards. i swear. ive never seen one flee that fast. i coded the entire night cause it was lowkey thundering outside and i dont wanna go to the gym on a bike when theres lightning strikes... sorry guys LOL

i woke up ridiculously late this day, at like 1pm or something like that, and i got really hungry at around 3 pm, so i had my first meal !!! this day i had to go to the gym after taking my rest day. i spent some time in the morning updating my blog cause it had been a hot min.

i had some smoked meat and a piece of dark toast in the airfryer... i dont think i showed you guys another sketch from my animation so ill just show you another one. i did infact decide i would be coloring it in with a simple color palette !!! im almost done with it... hes so precious. i also did some grocories today teehee i didnt have any money so i collected all the cans and bottles that we had stored and i went to return them for the tax i get back... statiegeld

in the gym this night i just barely avoided the rain while going there, i did quads, shoulders, biceps and triceps. tbh i literally did tricep cable excersise before i left i couldnt be assed i was lowkey there for 2 hours and im just so slow working out rn.. when i went to sleep this night i was soooooo fucking tired. i woke my mom up thankfully she left me alone. also also also... forgot my dinner picture, but it was 2 pita breads with chicken in it and a yogurt bowl i think... it was nearly impossible to put away LMAO.

this morning i woke up painstakingly early to go to work. i really didnt want to, but i had to. when posed with the challenge of making a breakfast i sure did make one. i got some shrimp from the freezer and i stirred up a shrimp recipe, but i omited the green beans cause we didnt have any. i also made half a pita bread to eat with that as well and that stayed nice and warm in my little container. i didnt take a pic of my shrimp cause... welll i did but it looks horrible, so take this old picture so you can get an idea... also ??? i ate a piece of cake ?? while i was making the food ? greedy bastard arent i

then in a different container i mixed some skyr with some protein powder and scrumbled one lotus cookie ontop. i love doing this and ill likely put this food on my recipes page cause it was yum !! it took me forever to eat this food cause i dont really get a break or anything like that so i just eat inbetween customers, which is allowed.

around 3 hours before my shift ended i started getting moody and just wanted to go home tbh. i was infact absolutely dying to go home !!! i left in much of a hurry when 3 pm rolled around. when i got home i couldnt find my gate key and had to have my mom open the gate. it really honestly freaked me out because im always so overstimulated and on edge when i get back home. its just too much sometimes lol, cause my work drains ALL of my social energy for the day, so its really hard for me to socialise after that... but i still have to.. sadly. anyway the key situation did get resolved my mom actually ended up finding it !!! yay guys !!!

my dinner was HEFTY ok, i felt like i was lowkey struggling to eat TS but i did do it cause ay... its just food... i actually went over my calories this day but ANYWAYS. we have the potatos from the oven with green beans my mom stirred up, and she made 4 hamburgers and only ate 1, my fatass lowkey ate 3 of them... lol shouldve had 2 but i digress.. then she also had creme soup ??? with noodles ?? idk i wanted to try it so i grabbed a small bowl it was really small.. and of course i had the last reminants of skyr i had with the last piece of sponge cake you FAT FAWK and strawberries... 10/10 meal lowkey just kinda went to slepe watching videos otp with my girlfriend

i mustve woken up late this day cause i had breakfast at 2 pm... LMFAO !!! i wonder why that was (was at the gym very late). here i have a picture of my breakfast !!! i got 2 eggs nice and warm and cozy in a non stick pan with some smoked bacon bits... super delishhh !! i also love heating up a piece of bread in my airfryer it gets it super warm and crispyyyyyyyy as fuck every. single. time. will never shut up about this

the toast has a spread of cream cheese on it, the brand i use is called goldessa and tbh the only reason why that is is because i do not have anything else... its just what we have in the fridge ! i also had a celcius artic vibe frozen berry flavour. very yum yum !!! and a protein shake with literally just water and sucralose. i swear to god its so good !!! i went to go do something and i lowkey took aesthetic pics of myself but i dont like putting my face or body out there lol...

my dinner !!! its the same as yesterday. except i also had a yogurt bowl here with some skyr and then i put a whole ass scoop of protein powder and some fresh grapes and i ate that and as long as you add sucralose to the yogurt its fire. it was good !!! then i went to the gym and i worked my back, shoulders, biceps and forearms. i had to do it at a normal hour cause i had work the next morning and it wasnt so bad... i liked it !!!

hellooooo today we are adding a new month to the monthmap !!! how exciting. im thinking about adding a callender system ??? i would have to figure that out but wouldnt that be totally cute ??? anyways what did i do today... this day i decided i would start lifting weights in the gym.. and i also ate plenty today, but i dont remember if i took pictures of everything...

so here first you see a yogurt bowl with grapes cut into it with greek yogurt and some sponge cake ontop ??? its really good my mom made that so i literally used it as a topping. i literally rememebr pacing around my room all day just planning my workout and being very nervous... lol

here next we see another beautifull meal i ate, this time it was my dinner meal !! i had pork fillets my mom made, its so funny cause they literally were so bright red not even my pastel kawaii girl editing could save this image help LOL. i also had sweet potato and regular potato wedges on the side and these super delicious puffed up courgette cakes... i need to ask my mom for the recipe so i can share it with you guys... i had a protein shake before i left !!! in the night today i went to workout, i dont remember why i was out so late but i think i was just nervous.

i started with a simple treadmil warmup to calm my nerves, yes, i even smoked a cigarette before i went in because lifting weights next to others freaks me out so much but i wanna do it for me and i shouldnt care what others think. i worked out my abs, seated crunch machine thing, knee raises, weighed decline crunches and russian twists with that medicine ball. that medicine ball literally kills lowkey. then i worked my quads, i barely felt these but i did evelated heel squats with help of that smith machine, i feel like i get more of a stable squat with it while being able to pack on more weight and the plate on the floor helps me squat deeper

thennn hip adductor machine and leg press, that was quite hard actually cause i went all the way upstairs for that one and the machine is highkey heavy but i got through my sets. i then worked on my hamstrings and finished it off with calves... i feel like im the only person that loves doing calf excersises cause mine are already strong due to my cardio obsession... lol... then after i went home i lowkey kinda ate the dinner leftovers... oops