hello guys~ ive been on meds for a while now and im feeling so much better and stable. my moodswings are super managable... im making a bit of progress... on monday i went to my therapy clinic and it was fine.. we had group therapy and that was hella akward hihi ! it was me and a different dude who had it way worse than me, he was barely moving throughout the whole session. i colored a coloring page while we watched a documentary.

then on tuesday and wednesday i went to school and guys... i actually did my schoolwork !! im so proud of myself. i did some photoshop jobs as well as research which i also promised id do. i worked on my portfolio on wednesday. after college my friends dragged me to some random rich kid neighborhood and we went to one of my friends friends house... he got us ALL pizza and he got me and julia sushi box too ??? that was all super good. mel put stars in my hair like beads. it was fun but i got home rlly late and there was definently some puke too. we played cards against humanity and that was funny

i made it home by 11:30 i think ?? then today i woke up and i had groups therapy again. it was a bit different this time, today it was me and 2 guys, one 25 year old trans guy that was kinda hyper and only liked talking about himself, and then an old dude that reaaaaally wanted to kill himself. i made this cool collage in the therapie session with a bunch of stickers and buttons but i didnt take a picture.

gyms been lacking but honestly i am very exhausted from both therapy and school so i dont blame myself. i will get back into it once i get into the rythm of things, i cant be too mad at myself when my therapy sessions lasts hours and i have to go to school and do homework. so im honestly just staying realistic, gonna make some time for it when i feel a bit more stable. i also have MORE medication now and i dont think the meds are gonna stop coming theyre gonna put me on alot of stuff because i cant stop talking about my problems

we're making some progress for my transition too, i talked with a couple of people there about my note that i need to start applying, and since my psych was lowkey avoiding her responsibility on that not 1 but 2 of my therapists have sent her well worded letters about it. my main therapist apologised that i have been neglected, not only in my life but also at therapy, where i should be feeling safe. she said she was going to make sure i get my note and that ill be put on the lists. in the meantime theres enough work to do like trauma therapy and stuff, i will jump through every hoop to feel okay with myself and life

also recently found out my parents saved half of a million euros for me ? but that they cant give it to me because of the whole massive tax cut. the idea is that i will get it after i graduate... that shook me a little LOL. eating ice cream rn, listening to tyler. chilling so good. byeeeeeeee

HEY DIVA'S its me and they put me on lorezepam medication and ever since thay happened life has been alot more chill for me. i dont struggle with alot of my anxiety anymore as sometimes i would literally just get a random anxiety attack out of the blue and just completely freak out. how i can kind of regulate myself alot better which is suuuuch a relief tbh !!! ive been taking little naps cause hot boys deserve to take nice little naps...

i took the weekend off from work cause ive already gone thru enough this weekend and i needed some good rest. so this weekend i mainly chilled at home, ate yummy snacks and also healthy meals ! i didnt pressure myself with the gym, but im going back tommorow feeling fresh and good about it. i really am going to lock in tonight and try to make a whole timeline for hisanoki TONIGHT. i will do it and it doesnt need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. im so exciteddd !!!

my confidence in myself is finally coming back also, for a little bit my self esteem was so insanely low but i am feeling alot better about that. ive been feeling prettier again and dressing up better, and its just nice to be feeling a little better and more stable... IVE ALSO BEEN WORKING ON MY RESOURCES TAB !!! and its been going well teehee

honestly the best thing to do when you're upset and struggling with your mental health is to stop watching depressing ass tiktoks that cause you to spiral making you more sad. ive kinda been going thru it the past while but im doing a little bit better because i started to click "not interested" on every single sad video untill they eventually went away so thats a good ass tip for the people also going thru it teehe

on another note, i wanna rant about the gym. so recently on tiktok theres been this big ass trend about the "great lock in of september" or something and im already sick of it. because. the gym is so unbearably full that i cant stand it ! so two days ago i was going to hang out with my gymbro at his place and it was cool and all, he made us dinner (he eats fucking meat and a giant glob of mayo and i thought i was bad) and we went to my gym that i have a subscription for and tell me why..

this grown ass man was feeling anxious and i felt so bad. every single machine was occupied, every bench was occupied, teenage boys all staring at you. yeah yeah you know how everyone is focused on themselves in the gym and all yeah, but this was next level. ive seen the gym busy, but never this. busy. we ended up just going home because it was going to be impossible to get a normal workout in at this rate. every single machine, OCCUPIED, every single bench ??? OCCUPIED. dudes doing 5 sets of 20 reps and taking 5 minuete rest inbetween... this joke isnt funny anymore guys. and if you even dare to ask them how many sets you have left they look at you like youre insane or something...

bulking has left me kind of uninspired about food. for a little bit i lowkey couldnt eat and my appetite still isnt back so i literally have been eating greek yogurt like its my religion because what else am i supposed to do ? i buy the 1.1 kilo yogurt tub and i just eat half the tub one day and the other half the other day. despite my attempts to gain weight.. they have been kind of in vein. and honestly. im fucking PISSED

WDYM I WOULD STARVE MYSELF FOR DAYS AND GAIN AND NOW IM EATING LIKE A HULK AGAINST MY WILL AND I CANT GAIN THIS ISNT FUNNNNYYYYYYYY STAWP. i dont let it discourage me because obviously im still seeing results in the mirror but damn give me a break lol. my waist is small and im actually feeling muscles when i squeeze myself instead of just skin and fat so thats amazing tbh and something to be proud of

ive also been meeting alot of new people at college. i havent seen a singular person from my past except one person, but even that person i barely knew and now im getting to be closer friends with them so thats been nice. my new friend brings this keyboard stimtoy with them to college every single day so ive been spamming the shit out of that. homework has been easy because ive already done this semester once before, im not going with my class to berlin this year because i already went last year and i honestly feel no desire to go again, since im going to an internship next semester and im only going to school to kind of get my skills back. its kind of fun meeting new people and being invited places, but i really need to take that on my own pace, because ive just been so tired and things.

im really hoping i can see my best friend soon also, we're not in the same class and ive been looking at pics of the last time we hung out like we're divorced. im manifesting great things for her

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ok ive also been drawing alot because i need to regenerate the skills i lost while my ipad was kaput. so firstly, this is a drawing of yuma and hisa; its inspired by a scene in my story where they go on vacation and hisa is really struggling with his mental, and yuma finds him alone downstairs and keeps him safe until he falls asleep, since hes been walking to get his steps every night up until that point and refusing to eat. i really like how it came out, especially yuma's cute little blushing face. theres a big thing about how hisa pretends to be a girl because its more convenient for him, and this scene is significant because in this one.. she finds out hisa is a boy in this scene... lols

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this one is crazy. this is also inspired by a scene in my story, i was talking to haku about my scenarios in my head and how i wished i drew them out more instead of just talking about it, so i made an effort to actually draw this. so for some context, akito is really in love with kusunoki, and hayato knows about this. the 2 of them found hisa's secret twitch channel and they've been watching and stalking without hisa knowing about this. noki sometimes joins hisa in the streams and hes faceless, but of course hayato and akito would know who that is in real life, because they all work together. i really like how this turned out for the most part, especially hayato and akito's little expressions, theyre so cute my preciousness, their friendship is so random but it makes alot of sense to me they'd be close in their free time. i also made them wear matching sweatpants because its so cute. noki also looks huge from this angle, ive really been trying to master that buff male look with him...

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last but not least, this picture. i published the sketch a while ago but i got rid of that because i decided to line and color it in and refine it. i had been trying to draw nachi and rengoku together but the vision wasnt visioning so i just decided to finish this drawing instead. i accidentally made the lineart grey instead of black which is why it might look a bit different from normal and honestly i kinda like it. def not bringing that back tho because it made trying to shade this drawing as i usually do near impossible but whatever i just didnt shade it. i really gotta start drawing my other characters aside from these two but the brainrot makes it near impossible for me

ive also been trying to make a timeline for my lore because i have so much stuff and its getting hard for me to keep track of it all, but not a single website is good and free... so i genuinely am at a point of crashout and just busting out my pen and paper. i haaaaate the plotholes i have, because i have alot of inspiration to start my fuckass comic already, but i just dont feel ready yet. alot in my brain and not enough planning. i will do my best to get that sorted soon, because ive been itching to start working on something that will inspire me and challenge me. ive also been wanting to learn how to animate but miss teacher isnt coming to school so ill see about that, if not now then a little bit later down the line because making animation memes has been my dream when i was a lil kid and i cannnn do frame by frame but i just wanna learn to tween !!!! ill see about that later. lots to do on my mind

positive self talk is the best way to feel better in your daily life i think.. being grateful for the little things feels really nice ! yesterday i went to college and when i went in the little shop at the train station to get a sugar free red bull i was able to get the very last one... i was so happy !!

im actually a little upset that i had my free day today, because i was really ready to go to school and just start grinding and i guess only going to school for 1 day kind of took me out of that. i did get a lot of stuff done today though, i spent a long time finding a timeline maker for hisanoki, i found a decent one... tell me why every single timeline maker has a paid or premium or stupid ass subscription just to make a decent timeline ???

i also finally ate today, like 3 meals. small victories guys. may all the protein i had today go into my arms and chest, and may the burninh ab excersises i did today work ! people must be crazy because tell me why i went to the gym and its the busiest its ever been in the time ive been going there again ?? why has every single cis man decided he was going to lock in... im already sick of them. almost every machine was occupied

i couldnt even follow any kind of program, so i just did upper body today, and did like 5 machines and then called it a day. i made the very grave mistake of taking 2 scoops of pre and it kind of felt like i was on some kind of crack. i was SHAKING and i still kind of am but i also absolutely SLAMMMMMMED it in that gym. the 30 mins cardio felt like 10 mins, i lifted 5 kilos higher than my last PR before i went on vacation ?!?! i didnt even do nooothing in the gym for like... idk 2 weeks. i literally lost 5 ish pounds and i still hit harder

also, im going to whoop my gymbro. august 31st he texted me saying like on yeah angelo we're gonna lock in hard this september and im like okur. so i texted him yesterday asking him when we're gonna go and he didnt reply he was sleeping... okay fair enough. he has a hard ass job couldnt be me so like i get it. so we talked today and i ask him "when are we going to the gym today" and he says "idk yet" so i become that one dog meme of it just closing its eyes cause i know this man is going to go to bed again. so i just went alone.

trying to be nice to myself every single day, because its really easy to be harsh on myself and hate myself for alot of mistakes i made in the past. evolving, growing, improving myself, for myself, but also everyone i hold dearly. everyone i love deserves to see the best version of myself. i have not binge ate in a whole month, i havent cut myself in almost 2, although im actively battling this. im not reliant on my cart anymore, i take it sometimes but ive been feeling more clearheaded sober, and just being grateful for the good things that happen to me instead of the bad. its really hard when you live with something like bipolar, feelings feel really big, and it does feel like the world ends, but im trying to keep calm whenever i feel stressed, i tap myself and focus alot on my breathing, i affirm myself that im okay and not in danger, i force myself to eat, to shower, to clean myself, to do my hair, to get dressed, to get up even, to stay alive even.

i went to college today. im reallly, reaaaaally glad to be home. that good nights sleep is something ive been wanting for a while now. i was on time today so honestly i ate that up, and when i went to get an energy drink i was able to snatch the last sugar free one ? okur im happy

my class was so. eugh. i made some friends actually but all in other classes, which is still fun. and i saw my hoooomegiiiirllll !! i missed her so much lol its not even funny anymore. speaking of that, yesterday i FIIIIIIINAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY got a new ipad ive been dying dying dyyyyyiiiiing for a new one !!! and now i gots it. so i drew a little doodle !!! its other angel and other haku watching a movie together ~ i really like how it came out, especially the biceps and the veeiiiinsssss. the bracelet of course, the oily ass nose on me LOL, AND THE CREEPER PLUSHIEEEEEEEEE my fav fav FAVVVVV

i also drew my other oc's lee and jaza today. usually i focus purely on hisanoki but honestly i missed drawing my nonchalant sexy lesbian and gremlin baby. so here is them too. i felt a little stiff drawing this but GAAAAH lee's slutty waist ?!?!?!?!?!?! the bony hands... her looooong hair.... JAZABELLS THIGH. GAP. AAUUUGH END ME. i think the total time for this one was like 2 hours and the one of me and haku was like 3 hours i think.

also... about thigh gaps, mine got bigger recently im actually getting so shocked that the pounds keep dropping and dropping and its not like im starving myself, well, yeah no i still do eat, but today i saw my fucking chest bones in the mirror. my. chest. bones. only slightly but jeez.