i wish i could be anyone but me i have felt this way so often and so many times, i hold up a little diary bcs thus blog is public and i know not a single soul gives a shit about this place but i still would never write my unhinged thoughts in here, and reading my rants back makes me miserable because the things that i write and say are literally aweful and disgusting. i wish i could be more in control with my feelings and how i feel about things instead of spiralling like a fucking useless idiot. nobody REALLY likes me and its a matter of fact, people claim to love me or they claim to care about me but its all some facade. they will always choose to protect themselves, their feelings, and their emotions above yours. if i was born in a different time in human history i would have for sure been killed by how utterly fucking useless and reactive and annoying and miserable i am and act. i dont know why the peoepl ethat are still in muy lif e even bother with me and i hope all the people that have been in my life before thus point are havinga miserable existence without me and are suffering just as much as i am if not more i wish that pain apon all of you. i wish i was born in a time where i would have just been burned to a stake instead of being told that suicide is selfish or that i shouldnt think of such things because theres "people out there that care about you" yeah fucking right as if they all lrave when they get to know me on a depeer level and they make promises they cant keep to me all the time only causing me to dall deepe and depeer into this shit. even if i attempt i get the dmn ambulance called on me when i cut myself i get told im disgusting and that i need to stp and when i lash out i get told im unreasonable but how am i supposed to get these emotions out of me its like i cant keep it in anymore and no matter how many times i beg for some kind of medication that might help keep me calm or maybe help me do some kind of work so i cn be useful to society and maube get a jo b or do something good for the world all they put me on is sleep medicine and tell me to track my bipolar synmptooms untill the next year so that i can see hw ow imuch im suffering on a piece of paper. thanks to this beautiful and amaizng healthcare system it deosnt matter how much youre suffering you;;ll always be negleceted as long as you dont get the fucking balls to kill yourself and as long as you have food on the table and a roof over your hesd and you go to school atleast 3 times a week then yeah sure you can be put at tehe back of the list while someone else who is suffering less but is louder with their voice gets all the attention that you deserve to heal. fuck you